私の生きた証拠

Well, it HAS been some time. Life’s neither good nor bad at the moment, but I guess it is sort of getting better despite the looming CTs.

As usual, I have been getting affected by songs a lot. Today, for no apparent reason, in the middle of Warsong Gulch, 「闇を越えて」 was playing, and I more or less found myself unable to continue. I afked out and went to bed for a bit. I was surprised myself. In the past, not so long ago actually, 「闇を越えて」 had a very powerful effect on me. Whenever I listened to it too closely, I would almost always end up crying. it hasn’t happened for sometime, but the effect’s reappearance took me by surprise.

My current two temporary favorites are for unknown reasons, Nakahara Meiko’s (i didn’t bother to check out the Japanese writing for her name) ‘Dance in the Memories’, which is the 3rd ED for the Kimagure Orange Road series, and 「あなたがいた森」 by 樹海, which is the ED of Fate Stay Night. Somehow or other I love the section of 「あなたがいた森」 that runs after the vocal has ended. It’s pretty addictive, honestly. I’m still listening to ‘innocence’ by 橋本みゆき, but not as much now.

Oh I have also been playing the Soul Link game. Got the ending I wanted (Sayaka!!!), and playing the so-called ‘bonus section’ with that stupid Nanami, who in the game speaks in a frightful manner. For goodness’ sake, if my kid spoke that way I’d have her muted. Really… But I guess little girls in H-games speak that way. For crying out loud, she tries to force herself on YOU (the player, or the persona you’re playing, whichever you prefer) in the game. WTF. The other girls are all at least 16 or so, but a FRIGGING TEN YEAR OLD GIRL ASKING YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH HER IS PRETTY EXCESSIVE AND DISTURBING, isn’t it? Grrrr. I should play Da Capo. At least ALL THE GIRLS are 15 or 16 or so.

Getting disillusioned with WoW, since the stupidity of the players there have NEVER ceased to amaze me. World pvp is getting on my nerves, since FOR FUCK’S SAKE I DON”T HAVE THE TIME TO WASTE KICKING SOME COW’S SORRY ASS (I keep getting ganked by Tauren trying to show off their horns, udders and balls (or lack thereof)). It’s fucking lame. People about your level will go out of their way to kill you. On Detheroc they’ll look the other way or run away. SCREW BEING POLITICALLY CORRECT. AUSTRALIANS ARE MUCH MORE IDIOTIC GAMERS THAN AMERICANS EVER WERE, ARE, OR WILL BE. PERIOD. I KNOW its a a fucking PVP server but that DOESN’T give you the DIVINE RIGHT TO BE AN ASSHOLE.

Enough ranting.

I need to watch Black Lagoon and the new episode of Soul Link sometime after this. But I’ll be doing my work first.

GAH.

laters, all.

Well.

I don’t know what’s come over me lately.

I just can’t seem to get ANY work done.

I’m sleeping a lot, I swear. But I feel more tired than ever. Even though I’m not exactly falling asleep in class, I’m having massive trouble concentrating on work.

I have no fricking idea what’s come over me. I guess its probably a sleep disorder or pre-emptive signs that i’m going to die a slow and painful death.

Well I figure that since I’m so screwed up already anyways, a little more doesn’t hurt.

At most I’ll fall asleep and won’t wake till someone flies me to Japan to see the tower… (spot the reference… IF YOU CAN. MUAHAHAHA)

Whatever.

For some reason, I feel like watching a comedy of some sort.

But really, I don’t have many of those. I’m too into serious stuff like Seikai, I should think.

WTF.

Guess what song’s playing now?

Anyway its 闇を越えて (Cross[ing] Darkness).

Dotz….

Speaking of darkness, lol.

For some unknown bloody reason, I feel damn lonely now.

Not that anyone cares.

私は最近ずっと考えている。
考えてることはいろいろがあって、何とか乱れてる。

昔の時、私は優しくて、優等生であろうと思っていた。でも、今は、私はそう思わない。実は、他の人に比べて、私は何でもできないみたい。科学にかけては、ロナールドさん、リチエンさん、ジュアンハさん達は皆私よりすごく上手だ。日本語にかけては、もちろんチャンシンさんは一番すごいんです。普通な成績、クラスメートは半分以上私が倒させる。

疲れてる。正直に、私は今人生方向がありません。生きる為分からないし、時々何の為にやることをやってるも知らぬ。時が追い越されて行く私はただこのごろに彷徨ってる。一人で歩いて振り向く淋しさは誰かが理解できる？

人生は苦しいと言う訳じゃないであり、だけど、このままきっと満足できない。でも、昔の幸せであった日々はもう戻れなくなってしまった。

とにかく、私は何をしても、最後にきっと敗者に成るという事です。元気出すべきことが知ってるけど、そんなことはできない。

また、泣きたいんだ…