私の生きた証拠

That more or less describes my current state. What with struggling to register for JLPT in Japan (and having to trouble at least two very very very good people who are going WAAAY overboard in helping me… >.< ) and digging around for chem notes and preventing the shelf from collapsing on me and such it’s been a hectic time.

Didn’t even have the time or energy to sit down and blog about the YMCA event. A quick summary: took a group of 6 girls from Kumamoto around parts of the city (Wisma Atria, Ngee Ann City, Esplanade), while trying not to lose them in the crowds with Jonathan and two SP girls (pretty nice people too, just that they couldn’t really speak Japanese, leaving Jon and I to do most of the talking). It went well, and though the people didn’t exactly listen to my perfunctory welcome speech (written agonizingly in pretty polite Japanese) I sort of expected it so it was fine.

Otherwise… Managed to submit my application at JCS just in time for the Singapore administration. Had to rush home to get passport photographs after they suddenly told me that printed-out stuff can’t be used (but in Japan it’s fine - WTF???). For the Japanese side, my late response to my mentor’s very kind father led him to go around asking for image modification (since the photograph can’t have a colorful background - and I happened to have the map of Japan behind me due to my bedroom layout and the tripod position - it’s a complicated thing to explain). I feel really bad for causing him so much trouble. (I shall try not to place any blame on the JENESYS people who are organizing the free trip.) And speaking of the free trip, Melissa Lim wants CCA teachers to give RECOMMENDATIONS. That means I’m 100% screwed. I’m not even sure my CCA teachers know I exist (they probably don’t). Unless I ask Mr. Cheong (my Samurai-Champloo-loving [an exceedingly rare quality in a teacher I must say] GP teacher) who HAPPENS to be the astronomy club teacher-in-charge (where I am no leader and unfortunately happened to miss the last pre-promo session because I overslept), I’m going to get at most vague, if not downright uncomplimentary remarks. I only hope Shioya-sensei is inclined to save my ass (though he doesn’t exactly have a good reason to, I admit). Maybe I shall study even more Japanese (from the school material) to make sure I have my bases covered (and my conscience eased).

Otherwise… I just ordered a new Tainaka Sachi CD. I think I might actually succeed in my grand strategy of collecting EVERY CD she ever releases (without opening the seal on any of them). It’s just a question of whether I go bankrupt (or die) first. Did I mention I ordered a new Kawasumi Ayako-sama CD? I could probably buy it when (or rather, IF) I return to Japan for a quick stretch this year, but I don’t want to leave too many things to chance. Yep.

Don’t have time to do many, so here’s just one…

You Are Not Stupid

You got 10/10 questions right! While acing this quiz doesn’t prove you’re a genius, you’re at least pretty darn smart.

Yes. On the eve of the dreaded COMMON TESTS, I’m burning out. And it’s not really because I’m ill - I generally recover pretty quickly, but exhaustion in spirit isn’t quite so difficult to recover from.

What exactly have I been doing? To be objective about it, nothing much. But I realized that like in 2005, the June holidays really caused me to fizzle out.

Perhaps the most important reason was the way my time was used (and in most cases, wasted). The first week wasn’t so bad, since I managed to win (with comrades Wentao and Jay and two others whose names I’ve regrettably forgotten) some sort of physics quiz at the NUS Physics enrichment camp, which saw us defeating two NUS UNDERGRADUATE TEAMS composed of CHINA SCHOLARS (imagine us shaking in our boots shoes), NUSHS (with Fiona present, no less), and some other schools. That same week also saw SMO, which I unquestionably did miserably for. The second week saw 3 days taken up by NUS Physics open house, which ended miserably with my team (with comrades Guocong and Wentao) getting SECOND place AFTER the RI team with Amyas-chan. What pissed me off was that it was a bloody waste of time (and money) since the food wasn’t very good (unlike the enrichment camp), and the prize we got had a monetary value equivalent to that of the fee I paid, and there wasn’t a certificate or medal or anything. Right. I’d take a piece of paper and a medal over a Sony 512MB microvault ANYTIME. But no deal unless there’s decent food.

Another persisting source of frustration is that of my bow limbs (or rather, its absence). Because of the physics-related activities at NUS I missed some trainings, and I did not receive my limbs. Hence, as of now, with the exception of the folks who have opted not to buy metal bows, I am the ONLY ONE who has neither limbs, string (mine lacks a center serving since it hasn’t been stretched by the bow yet), nor will I be getting arrows anytime soon (since I have no complete bow, and I was occupied at a laboratory at NUS). This is sufficient to make me very bad tempered, if not for other factors.

Even without mentioning that I kept falling ill (or at least, the persistent headaches that seem to strike whenever I’m busy), the third week was disaster. After spending much time studying and preparing for (albeit less time than my comrades) the NTU-NUS Astrochallenge, we emerged in a devastating defeat, losing by 3 points in the finals to NJC, which clinched third place. Our score was like 90-something, but 3 points made the difference between utter dishonor and a mild disappointment.

That isn’t all. I spent three days of this week practically full-time at NUS, in an extremely hot and stifling laboratory (there was no air conditioning, and we had to wear lab coats), getting poisoned constantly. Over the course of three days I probably inhaled more methanol, dichloromethane, solid Cp*IrCl2 dimer in particulate form, hexane, acetone and other god-knows-what chemicals. The chemicals aren’t really the point - I should have known what I was getting into - but the heat proved more than I can bear tolerably. GODDAMN IT. WHY IS THIS COUNTRY SO UNINHABITABLE IN PLACES WHERE AIR CONDITIONING DOESN’T (OR CANNOT) EXIST??? AND WHY THE HELL DO BUSES TAKE 20 MINUTES TO ARRIVE? WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH THIS COUN PUNY LITTLE PIECE OF ROCK DIRT!!!???!!!!!

So now what? I have lost four weeks of my life, accomplishing little (if not totally nothing), and without revising for the bloody exams, I might not be able to graduate from high school in good standing. WHY CAN’T I STUDY HISTORY? WHY CAN’T I STUDY ECONOMICS? WHY CAN’T I BE ALLOWED TO CHOOSE WHAT I WANT TO DO? WHY IS IT THAT I WILL BE STUCK DOING BULLSHIT LIKE NUCLEAR PHYSICS INSTEAD OF ROTATIONAL MECHANICS? WHY IS IT THAT WE DON’T DO POLAR CALCULUS? WHY? WHY? WHY???!!!

It’s because I’m cursed, that’s why.

Cursed to be born on this piece of dirt.

Cursed to languish in mediocrity.

Cursed to make bad decisions time after time.

Cursed to be an outcast, denied of compatriot, intellectual, political, emotional or otherwise.

Cursed to stand cower in the shadows of giants, unable to stand on their shoulders.

BUT I’M NOT DONE YET.

THROUGH THE FLAMES OF HELL I WILL PREVAIL.

NO MATTER WHAT THIS PIECE OF DIRT THROWS AT ME, I’LL TAKE IT.

Cursed I might be in birth, but redeemed I will be in deed and death.

Only death can stop me - for only He has the power to send me to certain death or demand my life.

I am 徹夜-ing. As usual.

Rushing homework! It feels good to be productive!

Guess why?

It’s because…

I HAVE 冒険でしょでしょ？ !!!!!

LISTENING TO IT MAKES ME FEEL SO 元気 MUAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!

^^

Back to work!

Well, school starts in a little more than 3 hours’ time (when I started writing this post). Instead of saying that I am getting end-of-holidays blues, it would be more correct to say that I haven’t quite recovered from the shock of my very lifestyle this whole period we call ‘holidays’.

The first week wasn’t much. Just slacking around and wowing a little, with the rude surprise of having realized (almost way too late) that the UN thingy was on the second week. The second week was spent preparing for the thingy and trying not to fall asleep in the midst of insanely boring debates, though there were several distractions. When the dream really began was when I stepped through the automatic glass doors into Terminal One of Singapore’s Changi International Airport on early Friday morning, the second week.

The ten/eleven days that followed, were quite likely the happiest continuous stretch of time I have ever spent in my life. Going on holiday is good enough, but to go specifically on a shopping trip in the birthplace of the Otaku and the center of the Japanese and anome world, that was unmatched. Come to think of it, I got more of a kick out of LOOKING AT, CHOOSING, and BUYING CDs instead of actually listening to them. Same goes for the kazillion tons of merchandise I lugged across the South China Sea and the Pacific Ocean back here.

Well it wouldn’t have been quite as fun if not for the fact that I was travelling with Changxing, a two-time veteran of the Imperial Capital (forgive me, I just watched Sakura Taisen 「サクラ大戦」), and the fact that we went to see things that were actually interesting to otakus and their apprentices. Sure Hakone (箱根) is kind of a detour but an outdoor hot spring (a little like, but still different from the Love Hina version) was still an interesting experience. And I learnt that Japanese ice cream vendors/vending machines/mechas LOVE to advertise the temperature of their propellant ice cream (eg. -10C, -25C).

Seems quite irrelevant at this hour, especially since I have barely done any holiday homework, and havent started packing something resembling a schoolbag.

But never mind.

I suppose I have to pick up the pieces this semester like I always did, but it does seem that with each advancing year I stumble more, as well as START AND END with more baggage, physical and emotional.

The time I spent in Japan was perhaps the longest continuous period of emotional and psychological peace I have had in three years. Now that it has ended, I revert more or less back to my former self. I’ll ultimately end up crying over some scene in some anime rather than over my undone homework and failed tests. And I’m already in high school. Brilliant.

Of late, I often think about a certain female. I would suppose that’s normal given my age and gender, especially if she does seem attractive (at least to me). Well as to my actual feelings I am not quite sure yet, but she (or at least the thought of her) has inspired me in no small way. Perhaps when I am calmer and better prepared I’ll convert that inspiration into something. And I’ll continue to hope that I’ll someday be able to meet her and have something resembling a normal conversation in private. But at this moment, I am harboring no illusions. Well, only in daydreams (and on one occasion an actual dream).

If I ever put the inspiration her existence has granted to use, perhaps I’ll be able to discern my true feelings for her then.

Actually I am feeling utterly confused right now, as my post title suggests. The reasons are multiple in number, and I’ll explain a little.

As everyone knows by now, I am not longer within the borders of the Empire of the Rising Sun, and more specifically, not within the boundaries of human-paradise-on-Earth-provided-you-have-money AKA World-class-A-super-uber-metropolis TOKYO. The trip was way more than I bargained for. Changxing didn’t even seem irritating at all except maybe on two occasions (which was really really strange but I guess good Japanese air, food and loot make everyone saints), and the loot was… well loot lists speak for themselves. (by the way I haven’t opened more than I think 6 or 7 CDs out of all those I bought :3).

Anyway that’s the ‘coming-home-blues’ part of the post. Moving on, in chronological order.

For some unknown reason, or at the very least incapable of description, I SEEM to have developed a little of Horie Yui (堀江由衣) mania. Bearing in mind that I have BARELY heard any of her songs, watched only a FEW anime she voiced, and that it’s a rather sudden thing, I am quite in a bit of a mess fix. Bearing in mind that I am suddenly a bit of a Yui-sama-stalker, I rewatched parts of Love Hina.

For those who do not yet know Naru’s my favorite character. And that’s hardly ever going to change, EVER, since I rewatched parts of Love Hina EXPLICITLY for Yui-sama’s voice. (by the way I am typing this post in between Love Hina episodes). Well, I don’t quite know what to say, but I am in the middle of an effort to collect as many songs of hers as I can.

Well, lastly for now, I am also a little perturbed. I’m practically looping ‘God knows…’ from 涼宮ハルヒの詰合, some sort of insert album.

that’s it for now…

Went bankrupt today at Akihabara.

And…

I pasted a rather large Japanese flag on my notebook…

:3

Yakumo rocks.

Really.

Feeling depressed again for no apparent reason.

Been doing quite a fair bit of that recently, and honestly I am not too sure why.

I somehow get the feeling that I am losing my grip on life, or something. It’s hard to describe. To put it in understandable terms, it could be related to a gradual loss of consciousness.

Somewhat like dying, yes.

I’m tired. Of WoW, school, work, music, whatever. maybe of life.

It’s likely a temporary feeling. But feeling that way sucks, even if for a moment.

Sigh.

I’ll rant again another time.

Ok I am in some degree of trouble, as least IMO.

 Firstly, my entire music system broke down with my shift of folder. Now everything’s gone to hell, my new song tags aren’t working, so on so forth.

Next, I am overdosing on coffee. As a result I honestly don’t feel very well, as in the physical sense.

Thirdly, I am now staring at something (considered to be a ’speech’, or at least it WAS) that is gradually beginning to lose whatever little sense it had in the first place,

And I havent done anything for the Ambassors’ series thingum (forgot to submit questions, or attend meeting since I missed the email), and I am now booted off the list. Not that I really mind, just that I feel bad for Mr. Yuen, who recommended me in the first place… I’d better remember to apologize to him about this.

CHINESE CT IS JUST ROUND THE CORNER. PERFECT.

I know i ASKED, even BEGGED for all the shit to happen, but please don’t rub it in- I assure I’m doing it myself pretty hard already.

And now I’m wasting time blogging.

How perfectly dysfunctional of me.

Anyway, I really must finish that speech by tonight. or else it’ll be too late.

Ok that’s it for today. more crap will be served sometime soon.