私の生きた証拠

It’s been a long while since I’ve felt quite so down. In fact, I cannot quite remember another time like this. But it’s not like I’m in the depths of heartbreaking despair or anything - I just feel so tired, just so tired. To the point that I don’t even feel like sitting at the computer. But I can’t sleep. In all my waking moments, that one thing monopolizes my thoughts.

For not a very brief moment tonight I was fantasizing about ending my life. Not as an end to some immense suffering - rather I saw it as some way to change the otherwise seemingly frozen status quo. Perhaps dying isn’t the only solution - anything that offers a change of pace is probably welcome. I just want to forget about some matters for a semi-extended period of time - a day or two would be more than sufficient. I hope. But with school on it does seem impossible for me to find escape anywhere.

I wonder why I am so fond of escape from reality so much. Is it because reality has been unfairly harsh to me? Sure I do think so in some moments, but just as often I do find myself looking back and around, and realizing that life has indeed, been at times, very kind to me. There are many memories I have of wonderful times, usually short, but for some reason they seem so full, so precious. I often turn to them in my attempts to insulate myself temporarily from the present, but whenever I try to return to the present, I end up trying to escape again.

I have not been drinking. Perhaps it is because I know that if I start drinking now, I’ll become an alcoholic for real, for sure, right away. So I struggle to sleep, and to wake each night and day, and to keep my mind focused on the more mundane parts of life. But even then it is not enough. Death beckons, and with each passing day I find his call more and more difficult to resist.

But I guess I won’t be ending my life just as yet. It would be terribly inconsiderate to the classmates and friends I still hold dear, some of whom would very likely be too affected to do well in their prelims and A levels. Perhaps, when all the exams are over, and if reality has not altered itself, or if I haven’t altered myself to a form that is comfortable within reality, I will take the plunge.

Till then, I’ll hang on. Somehow. Probably.

This entry was posted on Monday, July 21st, 2008 at 10:07 pm and is filed under Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.