私の生きた証拠

I think I’m turning into a misanthropist.

It’s been a long while since I’ve felt quite so down. In fact, I cannot quite remember another time like this. But it’s not like I’m in the depths of heartbreaking despair or anything - I just feel so tired, just so tired. To the point that I don’t even feel like sitting at the computer. But I can’t sleep. In all my waking moments, that one thing monopolizes my thoughts.

For not a very brief moment tonight I was fantasizing about ending my life. Not as an end to some immense suffering - rather I saw it as some way to change the otherwise seemingly frozen status quo. Perhaps dying isn’t the only solution - anything that offers a change of pace is probably welcome. I just want to forget about some matters for a semi-extended period of time - a day or two would be more than sufficient. I hope. But with school on it does seem impossible for me to find escape anywhere.

I wonder why I am so fond of escape from reality so much. Is it because reality has been unfairly harsh to me? Sure I do think so in some moments, but just as often I do find myself looking back and around, and realizing that life has indeed, been at times, very kind to me. There are many memories I have of wonderful times, usually short, but for some reason they seem so full, so precious. I often turn to them in my attempts to insulate myself temporarily from the present, but whenever I try to return to the present, I end up trying to escape again.

I have not been drinking. Perhaps it is because I know that if I start drinking now, I’ll become an alcoholic for real, for sure, right away. So I struggle to sleep, and to wake each night and day, and to keep my mind focused on the more mundane parts of life. But even then it is not enough. Death beckons, and with each passing day I find his call more and more difficult to resist.

But I guess I won’t be ending my life just as yet. It would be terribly inconsiderate to the classmates and friends I still hold dear, some of whom would very likely be too affected to do well in their prelims and A levels. Perhaps, when all the exams are over, and if reality has not altered itself, or if I haven’t altered myself to a form that is comfortable within reality, I will take the plunge.

Till then, I’ll hang on. Somehow. Probably.

I’m just so tired.

To be precise, I’m now eating a cake shaped and colored like the Hinomaru (日の丸), which is the name for the national flag of the State of Japan (calling the flag the Hinomaru is like calling the American flag ‘Stars and Stripes’).

The white portion’s white chocolate icing, and the red not-quite circle is the same thing just colored with food coloring. The color’s a little off, but hey, it still looks like what it’s supposed to look. The cake itself comprises two layers of normal butter cake with a layer of chocolate sandwiched in the middle. It’s a little too sweet, but it still tastes gorgeous.

That for three reasons. 1. Because the cake itself is good to start with (by any measure). 2. Because effort was put into making the cake in a way that suits me very well. 3. Because the person who made the cake for me is a very important friend and comrade. ^^

Thank you, dear! I hope I can return the favor sometime (though I honestly can’t do cakes; I might try something else though). And hope I’ll see you in Tokyo in 2011!

I just got my AP grades by phone (and it cost 8 US dollars - thank goodness the US dollar’s cheap now).

They are as follows (in order of receipt):

Chemistry: 5
Microeconomics: 5
Macroeconomics: 4
English Language and Composition: 5
Human Geography: 5
Comparative Government and Politics: 5
Calculus BC: 5
Calculus AB subscore (for BC): 5
Physics C Electricity and Magnetism: 5

Total for 2008: Seven ‘5’s and One ‘4′.
Total for 2007: Two ‘5’s and Two ‘4’s (The former being Biology and Physics C Mechanics, the latter being Microeconomics and Physics C Electricity and Magnetism)
Cumulative total (excluding repeats): Nine ‘5’s and One ‘4′
Cumulative total (including repeats): Nine ‘5’s and Three ‘4’s
CPA (excluding repeats): 4.9/5.0
CPA (including repeats): 4.75/5.0

And considering I did REALLY badly for Chemistry CT2 and the fact that I lost to Changxing for the Japanese 筆記 section, this isn’t too bad.

Oh and, I happened to receive the Subject Prize for Japanese Language for 2007.

That’s all for today.