私の生きた証拠

Now that I’ve had a full week of experience in indulging in endless losing rounds of America’s Army, falling asleep while an episode of 無理な恋愛 is playing on screen, and trying (with varying degrees of success) to internalize and memorize examination content that would take even a pretty smart American student a full year to go through in three weeks or so, I’ve come to a point where it has become necessary to examine what the hell I’ve been doing.

And no I haven’t gotten over my physical fitness debacle, and yes, I’m looking forward very much to travelling to the extremes of Japan on the Shinkansen. But I have to leave my stuff in Saitama and get some work done before heading to Nagasaki. And accommodation’s another issue. But I’m looking forward to meeting you, |c3^sNoW! Well I’ll worry about that soon enough.

Why on earth did I sign up for eight (8) 「八（はち）」 examinations? Granted, two of the eight can be collapsed to one (arguably - Micro- and Macroeconomics), and one constitutes strictly speaking only half a subject (Physics C: Electricity and Magnetism). That still makes six and a half subjects. And by any measure, English Language, Calculus BC, Chemistry, Comparative Government and Politics, Human Geography, Economics (both parts) and Physics (C: EM) still make for a formidable combination. I’d be mad to say that I’m confident of getting straight fives - meaning I’m not mad and not confident - so why on earth did I sign up for so many?

First, I must acknowledge that the problem isn’t quite so much the number of subjects as the amount of time I’ve allocated myself to studying for them. Six subjects in three weeks literally means two subjects a week. Granted, I picked mostly subjects I’ve had SOME prior knowledge and background and/or interest in (which is why I didn’t pick psychology - I wasn’t in the mood to memorise an entire textbook in a few weeks or even a few months), but it’s still unsustainable. I’ve started suffering from stress-related symptoms and have turned to games as a method of stress-relief, but this cuts time from study and increases stress further. Talk about a poverty trap. I do regret not starting earlier.

Second, why did I choose so many subjects? It isn’t necessary to do this many for an APID (which technically requires just six), and it’s certainly not as if I’m eligible for the AP State or National Scholar awards. All I need is one more exam for the AP Scholar with Distinction. I guess many considerations were factored in, but primarily I wanted to make use of the AP for three main purposes:

1. To ’show off’ (to be brutally honest and a little cynical) my ‘prowess’ in subject areas that are fairly diverse, including subjects to which I am ambivalent (English Language), hostile (Calculus) or with which I am positively in love with (Government and Politics).
2. To prove to myself that I am capable of accomplishing what few others in the world are capable of doing, assuming they even bother. Case in point: only one person other than myself is taking eight papers at school. While Americans have the options of doing twenty if they wished (and some scholars do that in the US), the overwhelming majority doesn’t. Granted, they might have clubs to attend and sports to play, but isn’t that the same for me to some extent as well?
3. To prove that I can best exams simply by identifying the ‘correct’ and ‘definitive’ textbooks, reading them once or twice mere weeks prior to the exam, and doing minimal practice. I was partially vindicated and justified in this belief last year, where I bagged two 5s and two 4s. I am merely trying to replicate that on a greater scale. And I studied one week last time round; this time I’m giving myself nominally three weeks.

Looking at the objectives, my decision would seem to be sensible to a moderate extent, if not distorted by a non-negligible overconfidence and lack of discipline. Points 1 and 2 seem similar, but 1 is more focused on the variety and breath of academic experience while 2 stresses the disproportionate size of the academic experience relative to the expected investment. Point 3 is simply about efficiency and is to some extent an experiment to test my hypothesis that exams can be defeated without ‘real’ knowledge of any subject at the high school level. My hope is actually to make a point for de-emphasizing exams. Still, I have the somewhat unusual ability to remember large portions of what I read and to make use of them with limited effort in processing them (ostensibly, this helps me get marks on free-response questions). People who have had the experience - nasty or otherwise - of discussing economics or politics with me would probably get what I mean, even if they disagree. While my academic ‘talent’ (for lack of a better word; granted it is somewhat politically-incorrect) may actually tipping the scales immensely in my favor, I still hope that I can make my point.

At this juncture, I’d like to note to the future self reading this that I am starting to get immensely displeased with my own inability to COMPLETE and PUBLISH translated lyrics of songs I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT. Case in point: As of now, “Melty tale storage” “吐息Scarlet…” “そこにひとつだけ” “PLANETES” “Bloom My World” “君と私と想いの先へ” “loose” “見上げるあの空で”, just to name a few, have not been fully translated. GET TO WORK!!!

On another note, I haven’t quite decided what to buy in Japan, or even what to pack along. Not to mention I still haven’t decided how long I want a rail pass for, and where I want to be going. As the rail pass’ll cost a lot, it would make sense to buy a 21-day one if I’m absolutely certain I want to travel for a long period. And it’s not as if I don’t have lots of work to do there. Maybe I should just throw a die to decide.

Now it’s back to work. Or dinner. Whatever. I’ll decide soon enough.

Sometimes I wonder if I engage in excessive bouts of self-entertainment simply to keep my mind off things. Indeed, thinking’s something to be avoided, rather than to be encouraged, as far as I am concerned.

Perhaps one of the few improvements that my life has seen is that I am not quite missing Tokyo so much, at least over the past few days. I suppose it’s the reassurance that I’ll be returning there for a stretch soon that helps to release the burden of brooding over it from my mind ever so little. In any case, I’m thankful, in this case to the wonderful folk at the Japanese Cultural Society, as well as those not in the JCS but who are equally involved in organizing and preparing for our trip (and the sponsors!).

This whole idea of gratitude has been hitting me hard of late. Many (if not a plurality of the) people who know me would generally bear the impression that I’m an incorrigible ingrate - and that is something I would agree with to some extent (though decidedly not whole-heartedly). I am not sure what I can do, but for now I’m allowing the idea to ferment at the back of my mind.

Over the past week or so I have been engaged in the intensive study of politics, and to be honest, though I used to find it extremely interesting and stimulating, the overload of information has led me to feel somewhat demoralised and indeed, discouraged at my prospects in this year’s Advanced Placement examinations. Especially since I had more or less made up my mind to seek my fortune (or to use a more modern term, fulfill my destiny) in Tokyo instead of some city in die Vereinigte Staaten the AP exam starts to feel incredibly irrelevant to me from a pragmatic perspective. However I just feel that I’ll seriously regret going through high school without doing anything other than random extracurriculars and an academic curriculum that I objectively consider to be inadequate and at times a positive insult to anyone’s intelligence (despite my poor performance in certain subjects - notice the irony). Still, I don’t see how intensive studying for an EXAM reflects anything about my ‘worldliness’ and ‘passion for learning’ or whatnot. But I must say that it’s a good motivation.

On another note, I failed (meaning failing to secure what they term a ’silver award’) the physical fitness test by six seconds on the one and a half mile run. Perhaps it was because I haven’t been in top form, perhaps it was because of sheer bad luck or even a moment of weak will - but the fact is that my examinations will interfere with the regular re-test schedule. This is yet another problem I’ll be forced to grapple with. Wonderful, isn’t it? At least, I know that for all the exertions I had to make for the test I know I can pass without too much uncertainty. (Really - six seconds. Wtf.)

Now it’s back to hitting the books. Again. Such is the lot of Man. Or at least, a semi-ambitious one.