私の生きた証拠

Perhaps music isn’t quite so different from alcohol or drugs after all. The dependency and physiological effects that come with dependency might be weaker, but in essence are the same.

Whenever I close my eyes, my mind’s eye sees Ayako-sama, or Tokyo.

Walking down a street, what I often see is not what is around me, but memories of a different place and time. And the figure of someone I can never reach.

If I dream at all, it is of that faraway place, perhaps with her by my side.

I am exhausted. Trapped between two worlds, trapped between two times, trapped between two sets of obligations, trapped between two sets of attachment.

My very spirit is on the verge of being torn asunder. And so is my heart. My mind feels like it will soon follow them.

I choked with tears of pride as I spied a plaque on the wall of a subway station, bearing with it the flag that captures my imagination and hopes. Pride in that the nation has done something worthy of history, pride in that the nation is still capable of great things.

Longing, yearning, dreaming. I wander through my days beset by illusions, dreams that seem more real than life, motivated only by the prospect of eventual escape.

Yet on this night, I seriously contemplate breaking this limbo by freeing my self from the temporal.

Silently, alone. With nothing but memories, and perhaps hopeless yearning by my side.

Yes, I am indeed in Siam, and miraculously I managed to connect to a wireless network from my room (now typing on my trusty 日章パソコン). Brilliant, am I not?

Anyway I’m participating in some random archery tournament organised by Kasetsart University, some random private university in Bangkok, the Thai capital. The actual tournament location is the school rugby field, which is in some random district called Bang Khen. Our accomodations (some zero star hotel with some really guailan name) are in the same district, just one very busy street without traffic lights away from a , which means we risk our lives every time we cross the bloody road to get to civilization.

I’ve lost my passport (yes the one with the lion and the tiger on it, unfortunately), and it looks like my computer needs a system recovery.

GREAT.

Just in case if anyone’s wondering what the hell I’ve been up to, I’ve been busy trying to get my Pasokon to work.

Bought new parts yesterday and fixed them up but most of my programs aren’t functioning properly. And Windows is nagging me about getting it activated but my number’s already registered. This basically means I’m screwed.

Not that it’s news. But I do worry about completing some of the tasks I’ve been instructed to do. Sigh.

I posted TWICE using my handphone earlier yesterday, but it seems that they didn’t get through. Oh well.

This is of course pretty late, but best wishes to most people. Okay fine, all.

I was going to do a reflectory post, but I guess I’ll save that for another time.