It has been a horrible afternoon.
I made the mistake of not studying without a break. As I watched Mahoromatic, I found myself finishing the series.
And since then I have lost count of how many times I just found myself unable to read on, and just broke down crying.
The story’s good, of course. I won’t elaborate on that here. But that’s not really the point.
I feel so proud of Japan and its people often. I know I don’t really have the right to share in the pride, but I sure wish I do. That its people are capable of great stories and works of art like Mahoromatic is something that I can’t help but wish I could also take some credit for. That people like Ayako-sama exist is something I feel extremely grateful for.
Yes, her.
The more I think about her, the more my emotions go out of control. Often when I am upset or incensed, her voice, or even the image of her person in my mind, would calm me quickly.
But when I am feeling pensive, insecure, or nostalgic for Tokyo (or Japan), the very thought of her would send me into despair, if just for a few moments.
That I am unable to even complete and send a letter to her is something I feel extremely ashamed of. I don’t know what to say, how to say it, or even if I should send it (since I really really don’t want her to freak out after reading it). But I have so much I want to say, and wish I could tell her in person. I also hate myself for being such a failure at using Japanese to express myself in writing. To write to her in broken, incomprehensible Japanese is no less an insult to her person as it is to her race, nation, and my own teachers. All this only reinforces the cowardice that renders me unable to tell her what I want to say.
This is pathetic. I mean, I’m pathetic. I’m not going to deny that. I’m supposed to be studying for my exam now, but here I am ranting incredibly immaturely and childishly about something that will never be.
But how I wish that isn’t the case. What would I give to meet her in person, and tell her that I love her songs and work and person directly? Sure, people in the entertainment business do what they do for profit (and perhaps job satisfaction), not because they are completely altruistic, but what they do for us the everyman on the street is really not much different from what our parents do for us. We can hope to repay them no more than the grass can repay the winds that bring rain. I could support her by buying her CDs and such, but I know that she isn’t going to get extra profit off it. So what’s the point? But is there any other conceivable way that I could at least convey a little of the whirlpool of emotions that seems to grow stronger and deeper with each passing day? Gratitude and appreciation - I’d like to at least convey these two to her, if not love.
It’s probably all futile. But I just can’t seem to give up hope. Because some part of me still believes (with a childish foolishness) that perhaps someday things will turn out the way I want them to. Some part of me that someday, somewhere, somehow, my feelings for her will be at least acknowledged, if not returned.
Because of that hope I continue to dream. And ironically, in dreaming, one gains strength, yet feels pain. The more one tries, the more likely he’s going to end up regretting, and regretting more. Yet without trying, there is really nothing but regret.
Should I try? Or should I not? The answer is perhaps a foregone conclusion, but I just had to ask this.
I’ll give myself another fifteen minutes to calm down. Then I’ll hit the books again.