私の生きた証拠

I spent a few minutes surfing the net in between crunching through Chinese essays, and I would just like to stress here that I think Ishihara Shintaro is a flaming idiot who’s going to drag Tokyo (and hopefully not the whole of Yamato) into ruin if people keep voting him in time and again.

I don’t care that he’s won the Akutagawa Prize - if he were in America he’d have his pants sued off by now.

Now that’s something nice about America. But anyway what he’s doing is violating Article 14 of the Constitution of Japan in spirit, if not in the letter (though I think he’s doing both). (yes I read the Constitution; I usually bring it with me when I go out - article 14’s my personal favorite)

Anyway, that wasn’t really the point.

Do try out this album by Minagawa Junko (皆川純子), who played the Iincho in Negima (both series, I think).

Track 6, 「日常未来」 “Nichijou Mirai” (”Daily Future”) is my personal favorite. Not all the tracks in the album are all that nice, but she could certainly sing more.

Support the less well-known singers! Ueto Aya and Koda Kumi have enough fans; how about supporting the singers who struggle just because they aren’t as young or pretty? We’re all above discrimination by looks to some extent, right? I sure hope so.

(By the way, do support Ayako-sama too!)

What’s a meme anyway? Oh well.

1. (The person who tagged you is…) Jodie
2. (Your relationship with him/her is…) Fellow girl-gawkers
3. (5 impressions you have of him/her.) Whacky, fun, well-informed, cute, refreshing
4.(The most memorable thing he/she has done for you.) KINSOKU JIKOU DESU~
5. (The most memorable words he/she has said to you.) Uh… can’t exactly remember. She’s just too random
6. (If he/she becomes your lover, you will…) Hmmm… it’ll be proof that I’m completely nuts
7. (If he/she becomes your lover, things he/she has to improve on will be…) Hmmm. Stop gawking at girls? ^^;
8. (If he/she becomes your enemy, you will…) Flee Japan. Or join the MSDF. WOMEN ARE TO BE FEARED.
9. (If he/she becomes your enemy, the reason will be…) Because she steals someone precious from me. *hem*
10. (The most desirable thing you want to do for him/her now is…) Buy her ramen.
11. (Your overall impression of him/her is…) Uh… Just pure, distilled weirdness.
12. (How you think people around you will feel about you.) I think a good majority of them can’t wait to backstab me.
13. (The characteristic you love about yourself is…) Randomness! Nah. I’m just, honest, I guess.
14. (On the contrary, the characteristic you hate about yourself is…) I never seem to have energy to finish what I start.
15. (The most ideal person you want to be is…) Hmmm. Not really. I don’t really want to be someone else. Maybe Koizumi Junichiro.
16. (For people that care and like you, say something to them…) *pats* Hello!
17. (Pass this quiz to 10 people that you wish to know how they feel about you - TRY NOT TO PEEP AT THE QUESTION BELOW BEFORE WRITING DOWN THE NAMES.) (in alphabetical order)
01) Ayako-sama
02) Changxing
03) Chikako-sensei
04) Jon Yee
05) Li Qian
06) L*******
07) Perry
08) Q*****
09) Royce
10) Zhongzhong

(Who is no. 6 -L*******- having a relationship with?) Somebody.
(Is no. 9 -Royce- a male or female?) Male
(If no. 7 -Perry- and 10 -Zhongzhong- are together, will it be a good thing?) You’re kidding. They’re not gay I swear.
(How about no. 8 -Q*****- and 5 -Li Qian- ?) Not possible.
(What is no. 2 - Changxing- studying about?) Physics, Japanese, Chemistry, Math, GP (same as me)
(When was the last time you had a chat with no. 3 -Chikako-sensei- ?) Couple of weeks ago on the phone. Face-to-face months ago.
(What kind of music band does no. 8 -Q*****- like?) No idea.
(Does no. 1 -Ayako-sama- have any siblings?) Probably not.
(Will you woo no. 3 -Chikako-sensei- ?) I might… if I were born twenty years earlier.
(How about no. 7 -Perry- ?) Never. You don’t try to court your best buddy of eight years.
(Is no. 4 -Jon Yee- single?) Yes, obviously
(What’s the surname of no. 5 -Li Qian- ?) Yeong
(What’s the name of no. 10 -Zhongzhong-?) Goh Weizhong
What’s the hobby of no. 4 -Jon Yee- ?) Surfing the net.
(Do no. 5 -Li Qian- and 9 -Royce- get along well?) They don’t know each other too well, but I bet they’ll get on just fine.
(Where is no. 2 -Changxing- studying at?) RJC
(Say something casual about no. 1 -Ayako-sama-) She’s hot.
(Have you tried developing feelings for no. 8 -Q*****- ?) Maybe.
(Where does no. 9 -Royce- live?) Bukit Something. Some ulu place.
(What color does no. 4 -Jon Yee- like?) No idea.
(Are no. 5 -Li Qian- and 1 -Ayako-sama- best friends?) They can’t even make themselves understood to each other.
(Does no. 7 -Perry- like no. 2 -Changxing- ?) Uh… probably not.
(How did you get to know no. 2 - Changxing- ?) Classmates in sec 1.
(Does no. 1 -Ayako-sama- have any pets?) Around 2-4 cats.
(Is no. 7 -Perry- the sexiest person in the world?) Uh… no.

It has been a horrible afternoon.

I made the mistake of not studying without a break. As I watched Mahoromatic, I found myself finishing the series.

And since then I have lost count of how many times I just found myself unable to read on, and just broke down crying.

The story’s good, of course. I won’t elaborate on that here. But that’s not really the point.

I feel so proud of Japan and its people often. I know I don’t really have the right to share in the pride, but I sure wish I do. That its people are capable of great stories and works of art like Mahoromatic is something that I can’t help but wish I could also take some credit for. That people like Ayako-sama exist is something I feel extremely grateful for.

Yes, her.

The more I think about her, the more my emotions go out of control. Often when I am upset or incensed, her voice, or even the image of her person in my mind, would calm me quickly.

But when I am feeling pensive, insecure, or nostalgic for Tokyo (or Japan), the very thought of her would send me into despair, if just for a few moments.

That I am unable to even complete and send a letter to her is something I feel extremely ashamed of. I don’t know what to say, how to say it, or even if I should send it (since I really really don’t want her to freak out after reading it). But I have so much I want to say, and wish I could tell her in person. I also hate myself for being such a failure at using Japanese to express myself in writing. To write to her in broken, incomprehensible Japanese is no less an insult to her person as it is to her race, nation, and my own teachers. All this only reinforces the cowardice that renders me unable to tell her what I want to say.

This is pathetic. I mean, I’m pathetic. I’m not going to deny that. I’m supposed to be studying for my exam now, but here I am ranting incredibly immaturely and childishly about something that will never be.

But how I wish that isn’t the case. What would I give to meet her in person, and tell her that I love her songs and work and person directly? Sure, people in the entertainment business do what they do for profit (and perhaps job satisfaction), not because they are completely altruistic, but what they do for us the everyman on the street is really not much different from what our parents do for us. We can hope to repay them no more than the grass can repay the winds that bring rain. I could support her by buying her CDs and such, but I know that she isn’t going to get extra profit off it. So what’s the point? But is there any other conceivable way that I could at least convey a little of the whirlpool of emotions that seems to grow stronger and deeper with each passing day? Gratitude and appreciation - I’d like to at least convey these two to her, if not love.

It’s probably all futile. But I just can’t seem to give up hope. Because some part of me still believes (with a childish foolishness) that perhaps someday things will turn out the way I want them to. Some part of me that someday, somewhere, somehow, my feelings for her will be at least acknowledged, if not returned.

Because of that hope I continue to dream. And ironically, in dreaming, one gains strength, yet feels pain. The more one tries, the more likely he’s going to end up regretting, and regretting more. Yet without trying, there is really nothing but regret.

Should I try? Or should I not? The answer is perhaps a foregone conclusion, but I just had to ask this.

I’ll give myself another fifteen minutes to calm down. Then I’ll hit the books again.

School officially ended yesterday, so in a way it seems pretty appropriate to write a reflective piece of sorts. It’s a random whim of sorts, so it’s probably not worth reading.

(more…)

There’s some Chinese proverb about how a child can never repay his mother for all that he has received, just as young grasses cannot repay the winds (is it? Or is it spring? I am not sure) for making it possible for it to grow in the first place.

There’s just something magical about writing or music composition. Whatever the author/composer’s intentions, there is likely to be someone, somewhere who gets deeply affected by the work.

Given that 「primary」’s not written for a particular anime/show/whatever, it must have been a product largely of Ayako-sama’s own independent motivations and abilities. (Iwasaki Taku 岩崎琢　probably did a lot to polish up the pieces, but they’re still mostly her own work.) That’s pretty important, since if a person composes pretty much without any boundaries he or she tends to choose something closer to heart, right? Seeing that three pieces in 「primary」 relate strongly to the sky (「patch of blue sky」「空ノナマエ」「missing blue」), it would make sense to conclude that she thinks about the sky a lot. Maybe this doesn’t mean anything to most people, but it does, at least to me.

Thinking about the sky’s a very poignant (not sure if I used the right word) sort of thing, since it’s so closely associated with longing and aspiration, while conveying a sense of repression and unhappiness. Sometimes I look up at the sky on the way to school (while listening to 「patch of blue sky」) and wonder if she has found what she had been seeking. I have also come to associate the piece with the sky so much that it is likely that the piece will come to mind many years in the future, whenever I feel sufficiently emotional to look up at the sky, which hopefully still resembles what it’s like today.

Well, I’d like to thank someone here, the person who introduced me to the wonder that is 「primary」 - JCX. If not for the fact that he allowed me to listen to the tracks in the first place, life might very well been worse for I might never come to know about it. After all, it was listening to 「patch of blue sky」 and 「sakura」 that led me to, once again, almost four years after I have come to know about her existence, to fall in love once again with someone’s who is possibly the greatest seiyuu of her generation (if not all time).

She’s distant, and she will most likely never come to know or care about my existence.

But not the other way round. And 「patch of blue sky」 will never be forgotten. At least, not by me.

For the sake of posterity (did I get the word right?), I shall record my grades here, as well as some short reflections.

Math: A (scrapped through as always. I’ll beat Desmond someday. Even if it may take 25 years, I’ll do it someday.)
Physics: A (miserable mark; but then again I hold the AP Physics C grade of 5,4 - so no worries)
Chemistry: B (now this was a miracle of sorts. Maybe I can repeat this by studying more. yep.)
Japanese: LOST TO GUAN XINYU. The grade’s completely irrelevant, as usual. All that matters is defeating Guan Xinyu fair and square (which I didn’t manage to this time).
General Paper: B (O-N-E mark to an A. Worst ever comprehension paper I did [31/50].)
Chinese language: A (lost to the top scorer by 3 marks. Not too bad, but somewhat surprising in that my final comprehension didn’t kill me outright. I managed to get 22/40 for it though. Comparatively miserable, but my essay and other components saved my ass).

Anyway, here are the *POSTULATED* Overall Grades

Math: A
Physics: A
Chemistry: B
Japanese: NO IDEA. But probably not too far from Guan Xinyu in either case.
General Paper: A
Chinese language: A

I’d say it’s not altogether a bad year. So I’m not committing seppuku for now. Yay.

Wish I had some nice Niigata sake now…

Seems like a major slump for me (not the first time but certainly not the last either).

Didn’t make the cut for the biology olympiad. Seems like they selected purely based on attendance (which I have a poor record for, unfortunately). I can’t really complain or anything, since they DID mention that attendance was really important (and it’s not as if my performance was spectacular to start with anyway).

Cooked dinner for a change. I called it ‘dinner’ but its really flour mixed with water and fried in oil. Try imagining how it tastes like. It’s sort of sweet, yet the flour smell and taste is really about all there is. And the oil too, I suppose. But since it’s extra virgin olive it’s hardly what you’d call tasty.

Anyway, it’s high time I turn my time to my more pleasurable pursuits (while trying to keep up with PW and SATs and such). If high school is going to be almost a complete washout, it had at least be a moderately happy one.

There goes an entire afternoon.

MESSING WITH FACEBOOK.

wo0t.

I need to go buy more MANGA to distract myself from the EVIL EVIL FACEBOOK.

(and to think I went crazy playing the World IQ challenge. Great… Not very smart, that.)

Promos are over.

And I realized that the Japanese paper was… just a disaster of titanic proportions.

Not to mention that I can’t study anything to save my own life. At least not for school exams.

I wonder about A levels.