Obsession?
Over the week I’ve been spending a lot of time listening to the Touka Gettan songs (checking my last.fm profile should show that next week), and as a result I’ve been spending more time away from Ayako-sama’s album.
On a completely random side note, animelyrics.tv is down.
But now I’m back to 「patch of blue sky」, and the moment I switched to it, a sense of warmth and comfort akin to immersing in a nice hot bath just swept over me. There’s this saying that goes like ‘there’s nothing like home’, and for the moment, setting 「patch of blue sky」 to play really feels like home.
That brings me to my next point. Am I obsessed with the song, Ayako-sama’s music in general, or Ayako-sama herself (as a musician/singer/composer/lyricist? As an icon or more alarmingly, as a person/woman?)? I’ve been always prone to obsessing over one thing or another at times - to me it’s perfectly normal. But indeed this degree of obsession over Ayako-sama and related things (as I am not certain at the moment exactly WHAT I am obsessed over) is rare for me.
I once read somewhere that whatever’s on your mind the most is what you care for, or love most. If that theory holds true, then I seem to be most concerned about my various proposals, Japanese politics and national defense, song translating, and of course, Ayako-sama and her music. Of these, the ones I can ‘love’ are possibly just song translating and Ayako-sama (and attachments).
To state that I do not love Ayako-sama is an untenable position, I should think. What is the crux of the matter here is on what basis I love her. As a musician/voice actress? Certainly - that goes without saying. But how much do I actually know her as a person? For all her high-profile projects she doesn’t seem to be a terribly open person in the sense that she doesn’t talk all that much about herself on print and internet media (though I have no idea what she says on Marunabi since I can’t tune in to the show from Singapore) as far as I can see. I probably know her less than the average rabid fan (and somehow or other I don’t consider myself a rabid fan), to be brutally honest. Is this a natural phenomenon that occurs with adolescence? I wonder about that often (come on no amount of hormones can impair my cognitive functions to the extent that I dismiss any unflattering scientific explanation or theory outright, when my brain’s so hyperactive), but like many of the things coursing through my head there’s never really an answer.
Sure I find many girls cute (and state so shamelessly), be it real-life 3-dimensional beings or 2-dimensional colored dots on a computer screen but the degree of attraction I feel to any one of them doesn’t come within an order of magnitude of what I feel for Ayako-sama. So what is it? Is it love? What sort? Is it real? What basis is it on? Will it last? What will it come to? I want answers, but despite following the Socratic method answers probably won’t just pop up, no matter how much I think about it or wish for an answer.
I suppose all I can do is to soak myself in her voice/music, and see how it goes. It’s a great narcotic, at the very least. I even experience withdrawal symptoms. At this point I do wonder if getting hooked on crack is that much worse.
That’s probably all for tonight. I’m leaving in less than 30 hours anyway. Packing’s not done yet but I’m not going to worry about it for now. Thinking (and feeling) about Ayako-sama comes first. It’s already a nightly ritual, anyway.