Yes. On the eve of the dreaded COMMON TESTS, I’m burning out. And it’s not really because I’m ill - I generally recover pretty quickly, but exhaustion in spirit isn’t quite so difficult to recover from.
What exactly have I been doing? To be objective about it, nothing much. But I realized that like in 2005, the June holidays really caused me to fizzle out.
Perhaps the most important reason was the way my time was used (and in most cases, wasted). The first week wasn’t so bad, since I managed to win (with comrades Wentao and Jay and two others whose names I’ve regrettably forgotten) some sort of physics quiz at the NUS Physics enrichment camp, which saw us defeating two NUS UNDERGRADUATE TEAMS composed of CHINA SCHOLARS (imagine us shaking in our boots shoes), NUSHS (with Fiona present, no less), and some other schools. That same week also saw SMO, which I unquestionably did miserably for. The second week saw 3 days taken up by NUS Physics open house, which ended miserably with my team (with comrades Guocong and Wentao) getting SECOND place AFTER the RI team with Amyas-chan. What pissed me off was that it was a bloody waste of time (and money) since the food wasn’t very good (unlike the enrichment camp), and the prize we got had a monetary value equivalent to that of the fee I paid, and there wasn’t a certificate or medal or anything. Right. I’d take a piece of paper and a medal over a Sony 512MB microvault ANYTIME. But no deal unless there’s decent food.
Another persisting source of frustration is that of my bow limbs (or rather, its absence). Because of the physics-related activities at NUS I missed some trainings, and I did not receive my limbs. Hence, as of now, with the exception of the folks who have opted not to buy metal bows, I am the ONLY ONE who has neither limbs, string (mine lacks a center serving since it hasn’t been stretched by the bow yet), nor will I be getting arrows anytime soon (since I have no complete bow, and I was occupied at a laboratory at NUS). This is sufficient to make me very bad tempered, if not for other factors.
Even without mentioning that I kept falling ill (or at least, the persistent headaches that seem to strike whenever I’m busy), the third week was disaster. After spending much time studying and preparing for (albeit less time than my comrades) the NTU-NUS Astrochallenge, we emerged in a devastating defeat, losing by 3 points in the finals to NJC, which clinched third place. Our score was like 90-something, but 3 points made the difference between utter dishonor and a mild disappointment.
That isn’t all. I spent three days of this week practically full-time at NUS, in an extremely hot and stifling laboratory (there was no air conditioning, and we had to wear lab coats), getting poisoned constantly. Over the course of three days I probably inhaled more methanol, dichloromethane, solid Cp*IrCl2 dimer in particulate form, hexane, acetone and other god-knows-what chemicals. The chemicals aren’t really the point - I should have known what I was getting into - but the heat proved more than I can bear tolerably. GODDAMN IT. WHY IS THIS COUNTRY SO UNINHABITABLE IN PLACES WHERE AIR CONDITIONING DOESN’T (OR CANNOT) EXIST??? AND WHY THE HELL DO BUSES TAKE 20 MINUTES TO ARRIVE? WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH THIS COUN PUNY LITTLE PIECE OF ROCK DIRT!!!???!!!!!
So now what? I have lost four weeks of my life, accomplishing little (if not totally nothing), and without revising for the bloody exams, I might not be able to graduate from high school in good standing. WHY CAN’T I STUDY HISTORY? WHY CAN’T I STUDY ECONOMICS? WHY CAN’T I BE ALLOWED TO CHOOSE WHAT I WANT TO DO? WHY IS IT THAT I WILL BE STUCK DOING BULLSHIT LIKE NUCLEAR PHYSICS INSTEAD OF ROTATIONAL MECHANICS? WHY IS IT THAT WE DON’T DO POLAR CALCULUS? WHY? WHY? WHY???!!!
It’s because I’m cursed, that’s why.
Cursed to be born on this piece of dirt.
Cursed to languish in mediocrity.
Cursed to make bad decisions time after time.
Cursed to be an outcast, denied of compatriot, intellectual, political, emotional or otherwise.
Cursed to stand cower in the shadows of giants, unable to stand on their shoulders.
BUT I’M NOT DONE YET.
THROUGH THE FLAMES OF HELL I WILL PREVAIL.
NO MATTER WHAT THIS PIECE OF DIRT THROWS AT ME, I’LL TAKE IT.
Cursed I might be in birth, but redeemed I will be in deed and death.
Only death can stop me - for only He has the power to send me to certain death or demand my life.
