私の生きた証拠

I discovered that I have somehow gotten soft. Must be the oversleeping at home. I suffered terribly the first night trying to sleep on the floor (but I used a comrade’s sleeping bag eventually, thank goodness). And somehow or other I sort of developed a cold on the second day which alarmed everyone. My head hurt too.

But fortunately, two showers, a long sleep and a large cup of coffee after the camp restored me (almost) to my original state. I suspect my crankiness was aggravated by coffee (not caffeine; I drank coke) deprivation. I feel a little bad now, especially since I do believe that I snapped at my comrades once or twice.

The thing is, I hate camps. I am usually at my worst in camps (and my worst is like really bad), and I get really cranky (which is aggravated by the usual absence of coffee). I am the sort who likes to retreat to a shell for at least a short time a day just to recharge my spiritual batteries doing brainful or brainless stuff.

In any case, I enjoyed the shooting part of the camp. I didn’t do too badly, to be frank. The second day featured a sort of ‘competition’ where the goal was to hit the yellow section of a 80cm target board at 20m 3 times in 6 ends of 3 arrows each. I managed it but due to a rule violation I didn’t get one counted (my fault; won’t repeat that rule violation ever again). The second task was to hit either the red or yellow section (7 to 10pts) 3 times in a single end of 3 within 6 ends. Basically it mean hitting at least 7 pts consecutively 3 times. I managed to do it on my very last end. Over the whole course of things I hit the X-ring twice. Not bad considering I am noob and I had to aim the sight OFF the center (because I couldn’t get the sight right). For my performance I got two tubes of superglue (and I am already planning all sorts of fun stuff with it).

Well, the camp was as good as circumstances allowed. I just didn’t like the ball games and PT. If only the sun wasn’t quite so hot shooting would have been perfect. But I’m not complaining. A veteran of countless torturous Red Cross camps have taught me to appreciate a lot of little things other people take for granted (like the right to carry [and use!] handphones and money). Basically, Red Cross camps are the third lowliest way to live on Earth. Only a Soviet gulag and life as a conscript can be possibly worse. Archery camps are a long way from the bottom (*whew*).

In any case, I shall be overdosing on coffee for a bit. And for the record, I ate Yoshinoya for dinner tonight. Together with Jiaren we demolished a full 4-man meal. That means two standard bowls (Beef w/ Veg + Salmon), some extra appretizer-thingies, two drinks (Coke + Sprite), and for me, 10 packs of ginger and 2 of the chilli flakes.

I must have been feeling hungry. *nods*

In the not-so-distant future I will be heading off for a CAMP.

That’s terrible.

Fine I love archery and all but I just CAN’T STAND CAMPS (of any sort).

It’s not that I’ll miss my bedding or whatnot (I used to sleep on the computer chair and sofa most of the time). Sleeping on a hard floor suits me just fine.

It’s just that I can’t stand extended physical activity. Or lame ‘bonding’ games. Or other things related to camps.

But I’ll be back, I guess.

I just returned from a long class gathering that I enjoyed tremendously, but as I checked my email one last time all hope evaporated.

As I said earlier today to Xinyu, I have no tears left to shed. I seem to have used them up already, having so many other things to cry over.

I’ll try, as sincerely as I can, to wish those who have been shortlisted for interviews well. For some people, it’s not an issue, but for some others it will be difficult. But I can but try.

It is time I really learnt to bow down to others. Perhaps if I learn this lesson well, Providence may see to it that I receive another chance. I will try.

I had a rather long (relatively) talk with Don (who’s reknowned for his racist and chauvinistic attitudes, though in all fairness to him that is changing as I speak), and I mentioned this to him. I remember saying something along the lines of me feeling as if I’m ’searching for a place where I can die in peace’.

This isn’t something new. I’ve always felt for some time that my days are numbered. Not on the scale of a late-stage cancer patient, to be sure, but inexplicably I find it impossible to think in a way that goes on the presumption that I have innumberable years left.

For the past couple of weeks, the greatest change that has come over in my daily life would be that I spend unprecedented amounts of time sleeping. Partially its out of sheer fatigue (which does not bode well for my physical well-being), but more to the point, I find less and less reason to stay awake.

I used to hate sleeping. I associated it with death (didn’t some famous guy once say that ’sleep is a little bit of death in daily life’ or something like that?). But now I find myself actually WANTING to sleep. And doing a lot of it.

Does this mean I desire death? To some extent I have always been suicidal. Perhaps even now. Or maybe even more so now. I cannot but see my acceptance (even a liking) for sleep as an acceptance or even liking of death.

I have always been surprised when my teachers say I have a lot of wasted potential. After all, with miserable grades, depression, weird emotional outbursts and strained social relations it was hard for even myself to see what potential there is in me. But perhaps my teachers have a point - the fact that I am not flunking anything (despites jokes and claims to the contrary) as yet is some testament to my abilities, dormant and wasted as they might be. Or so I think. Or perhaps it is nothing more than a fleeting hope?

This is getting horrifically self-centered of me. And that certainly seems to be true. Even if I said that I want to be selfless for once or twice I would have some reservations about the truth of that statement.

Never has the urge to give up been stronger. In an institution replete with varying degrees of genius and talent it takes a lot to keep going. But of course, that remains something for another time’s quiet thought.

On the 7th and 8th of March I ponned school for the Singapore Science and Engineering Fair and managed to get my ass (along with Wench’s and Pork’s) soundly whupped.

For a highly romanticized and somewhat detailed (though not entirely accurate) account of how things went at the fair for a ‘typical’ prize-winning group, check out Soo Teck’s blog.

In my group’s case we got only a merit and we were all understandably devastated, but I need to say something more important than my own worthless grievances: the fact is that lots of good projects didn’t get any awards. The truth of the matter is that if all the deserving projects got awards my group might not even end up with any!

Ultimately, SSEF isn’t really a fair competition in any sense of the word. It is but a hollow and symbolic celebration of precollege science research efforts and interests with a fairly random way of assigning prizes (though some deserving people did get what they deserved - Amelia Chang got two golds for RJC), so ultimately success or failure rests not with the awards, but rather, the appreciation and admiration of your peers (or lack thereof).

Hence concludes yet another chapter in my life, the success or failure of which is too early to tell. To paraphrase what someone told me not so long ago,

“You never really know if ‘failing’ at something is truly a failure, for other opportunities may come your way in time.”

I’d like to believe in what she said. But I guess only time will tell.

I think I mentioned something about my class previously, but I’ll just write some more.

Among my catastrophically deleted posts was a detailed recount of what I did on Saturday (March 3). To make things short, I attended a talk about studying medicine in school, before heading down to Orchard to pick up some volumes of Negima Li Qian couldn’t find. At Kino I had this long chat with this Sec 4 guy from Fairfield who actually fansubs, and of course I took the opportunity of espousing the study of Japanese at high school level. Hopefully he’ll do well this year for O level.

Following that I spent a couple of hours with a good (best?) friend of mine over the years, first heading down to Raffles City for coffee before dashing to Suntec to grab brochures from the ‘career’ (more like ‘education’) fair. Over the past couple of months it seems (paradoxically) that with his entrance into slavery we’re actually spending more time together. So maybe NS does do wonders for friendships! As opposed to the silly girls who do part-time work 5-6 days a week for no apparent good reason. *tsk tsk* (Maybe I should have, on retrospect, spent the last holidays studying. If not doing YDSP. WHY THE HELL DID EUNICE TAY HAVE TO LIKE DISCRIMINATE BE LAZY WITH MY CLASS WHEN IT CAME TO THE YDSP APPLICATIONS??? THE INJUSTICE OF IT!!!!

Okay that aside. After making off with several brochures and bidding farewell to Perry (who had to go chase a particular skirt) I went to City Hall MRT to meet up with several people for the sojourn to Victoria Concert Hall for Xiaoxue’s (who incidentally is one of the 5 hottest girls in class) Chinese Orchestra concert. The concert was a concert (what the hell did you expect?) but of course like everyone in class I choose to believe that the three pieces Xiaoxue played in are the best .

After the concert we decided to go wander around Raffles City and tried very hard to decide what to eat for dinner. We settled for some soup restaurant. The mushroom soup wasn’t too bad (it was LOADED with mushrooms) and I had a long chat with Benedict about art. It’s amazing how much you can learn about something by just TALKING. Somewhere along the way I kind of forgot that. But it’s sad though - Benedict’s like leaving our class. Oh well.

Apart from the fact that getting the opportunity to dine with a gorgeous girl outside of school (albeit in a group; the girl in question is no other than Huimin herself), spending time with the class is quite, if not fun, then quietly enjoyable. The variety of subject choices in the class is proving to be a boost in the vibrancy of the class. And of course the presence of the French trio (Mila, Huimin and Wing) provides a lot of eye-candy. Heidi-chan is also a great person to talk to, and she actually waves back almost as wildly as I wave to her!

I won’t speak too much about the guys in class, except maybe for Sec-chan, who rocks just as ever! And Guan Xinyu with his chem jokes and victorian eating habits are of course a constant source of comic relief.

6R is like… nice. Yep. I guess Providence isn’t out to destroy me. Though it might have deemed me unworthy of some things, it isn’t so mean as to deny me others. And for that, I give thanks. =)

First there was a computer crash. Make that an average of 2 crashes a day.

Then there was a power outage.

2 posts gone.

WTF???!!!

For Level 1 (一級),

Vocabulary (文字・語彙): 67/100
Listening Comprehension (聴解): 80/100
Reading Comprehension/Grammar (読解・文法): 177/200
Total (合計): 324/400 (Passed／合格)

Given that the test for 2006 is devilishly difficult by ordinary standards… I’d say I’m not too disappointed with my score.

But then again…

I’M RETAKING!

(For 340 this time ^^)