Thoughts
Tomorrow’s today’s a tutorial day. Which means it’s going to suck. But at least I’m skipping Chinese.
I’m exhausted, but I can’t go to sleep because I am not done preparing for A*TS tomorrow. I’m not done preparing because I started doing so rather late, but more to the point, because I have been thinking over the words I exchanged with two people (whom I shall not name but the identity of one of them should be pretty obvious from context).
Though my likes and dislikes, hobbies and obsessions have changed over time, some things don’t. I do my utmost to be honest with everybody, but myself most of all. I also try to be fair in judgement, often shoving aside my prejudices, irrational feelings (’gut’ feelings) when making conscious judgements about people. It’s extremely tiring, but I do it. Not that I don’t have particular likes and dislikes when it comes to people, but for certain things I try not to let them cloud my judgement. And believe me, it’s exhausting.
Somehow or other, it does appear that destiny has in store different things for each of us. We are born different, with different strengths and weaknesses, with different characters and personalities, the differences in which would be accentuated or evened out over time, depending on the situation. Ultimately, we all have to live with the fact that things aren’t fair to us sometimes. In fact, maybe fairness itself is but a construct, something that isn’t supposed to exist, but created, somewhere in the grand scheme of things.
I try to be fair to everybody, and I do hope that the courtesy is returned. But I don’t ask that of everyone. Why should I care if some bum on the street makes some totally unjustified comment about me? Why should I give a damn if some random idiot along the hallway mutters something uncomplimentary? I am fair (or at least I try to be), but I do differentiate between people. Of course I’ll pay more attention to what a teacher says, as compared to some bum on a street. Of course I’d listen more to the (most probably) wise words of Tan Juanhe or Charmaine Chia, as opposed to the random guy in the hallway who probably has an inferiority complex or an ego large enough to make my own look nanoscale. By a slight extension, I would be terribly disturbed if Juanhe or Charmaine weren’t fair to me. Perhaps disturbed doesn’t cut it. More like… depressed? Indignant? Perhaps even angry?
It seems that most of the time, at least one of the solutions or action plans I formulate to any problem will most probably work (and work well). The trouble is that they invariably are the hardest to execute. Is there some rule written down somewhere in the cosmic manuals that doing the right thing is always difficult? It certainly seems so now, though logically there isn’t anything to prove that beyond reasonable doubt. But in any case I’ll swallow hard, and take the advice of a certain someone (whom I respect immensely) and do the difficult, but right thing. In any case, there is still some small measure of dignity in taking that course, though the unfairness (or so I perceive) will probably never be redressed.
I shall make it a point not to wish someone all the best unless I truly mean it. I feel I owe it to the person, and even more importantly, to myself.
I should be going to bed. I’m developing a headache (again). This just can’t go on.
As with any late-night posts this was pretty messy, eh? But I don’t really care what you think at this moment. Maybe later.