私の生きた証拠

I had a rather long (relatively) talk with Don (who’s reknowned for his racist and chauvinistic attitudes, though in all fairness to him that is changing as I speak), and I mentioned this to him. I remember saying something along the lines of me feeling as if I’m ’searching for a place where I can die in peace’.

This isn’t something new. I’ve always felt for some time that my days are numbered. Not on the scale of a late-stage cancer patient, to be sure, but inexplicably I find it impossible to think in a way that goes on the presumption that I have innumberable years left.

For the past couple of weeks, the greatest change that has come over in my daily life would be that I spend unprecedented amounts of time sleeping. Partially its out of sheer fatigue (which does not bode well for my physical well-being), but more to the point, I find less and less reason to stay awake.

I used to hate sleeping. I associated it with death (didn’t some famous guy once say that ’sleep is a little bit of death in daily life’ or something like that?). But now I find myself actually WANTING to sleep. And doing a lot of it.

Does this mean I desire death? To some extent I have always been suicidal. Perhaps even now. Or maybe even more so now. I cannot but see my acceptance (even a liking) for sleep as an acceptance or even liking of death.

I have always been surprised when my teachers say I have a lot of wasted potential. After all, with miserable grades, depression, weird emotional outbursts and strained social relations it was hard for even myself to see what potential there is in me. But perhaps my teachers have a point - the fact that I am not flunking anything (despites jokes and claims to the contrary) as yet is some testament to my abilities, dormant and wasted as they might be. Or so I think. Or perhaps it is nothing more than a fleeting hope?

This is getting horrifically self-centered of me. And that certainly seems to be true. Even if I said that I want to be selfless for once or twice I would have some reservations about the truth of that statement.

Never has the urge to give up been stronger. In an institution replete with varying degrees of genius and talent it takes a lot to keep going. But of course, that remains something for another time’s quiet thought.

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 10th, 2007 at 9:14 pm and is filed under Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.