内省／Self-reflection
Yep. That’s what’s been occupying me since yesterday. I mean Wednesday. Whatever.
Basically, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I have been observing the people around me a little more (and freaking poor Desmond out, my apologies…), and generally thinking a little deeper into both their actions and mine. I surprised myself when I just rattled question after question at poor Huixiang during break today (Thursday). No wonder I like talking to myself. It just helps me to think better. And people think I’m nuts for talking to myself. Well if I have no one to talk to and need to sort out my thoughts, what else is better?
After getting into a pretty silly brawl on IRC, I had a long, straight talk with a guy frequenting the same channels as I do and managed to take something out of that whole mess. I’m pretty thankful to him, but I’ll refrain from mentioning him here. I’m sure he’ll appreciate my consideration in not revealing his identity but nonetheless I’d like to acknowledge him in this indirect way I can.
For some reason no matter what I think about, my conclusions and thought direction seem a little different from normal. Maybe that’s the whole point of taking time off for a full introspection. Still, with regards to matters of the heart I remain pretty much confused and clear-headed simultaneously. It’s pretty burdensome, but I think I’ll shoulder it with some pride. I DID CHOOSE to give in to the little voice at the back of my head in the first place, anyway. I know full well the potential problems and trouble my actions and thoughts could bring but I went ahead anyway. Whether I am headstrong, courageous or just a fool is probably up to interpretation style and the mood of the person doing it. Right now, I feel like a fool. But somehow, I don’t regret. Not in the least.
I think I screwed up. Big time. I don’t really want to end things here, but the person who can make the final decision is not me. Or rather, I gave that power away to the person who should have it. I am however glad that I told the absolute truth, in a screwed up manner or not. It was the least I could have done, though I do realize that some of the truth should be, if not concealed, then not revealed in order to protect what’s truly at stake. I have made a mistake, but as a sort of saving grace, I made a mistake that is most like me. I wasn’t deliberately screwing around or following someone’s advice - I was just being me. That’s at least honest, I should think. I wouldn’t have it anyway else.
Someone once said to me that growing up and moving on means one is able to reflect upon past mistakes and be able to laugh at them. I am able to reflect upon myself but I am as yet unable to laugh at my own past. So this means that I am probably growing up, but not yet moving on. Not that I am unprepared for such a conclusion, but I do feel somewhat upset.
Is it a good thing to live life like plunging into a pool, concerned with only what lies ahead after the plunge? Or should I think each thing through carefully and seriously before making any moves or decisions? I’d instinctively go with the latter, but really, thinking so much is really exhausting on a level that physical activity cannot match. My body’s aching all over right now, but more importantly my head’s almost bursting with a sense of discomfort that isn’t really pain but something almost as bad. Thinking’s such a chore, but I find myself pushing my brain to do it. And for what exactly, I have no idea.
Soul-searching probably makes some sense in the linguistic sense. Looking for a hiding or lost soul is no mean task. It’s utterly draining and exhausting to begin with, not to mention depressing. For now, what I really look forward to is a reply from her. I can’t say I am hoping for the best, but I don’t really think I am prepared for the worst either. But I’ll face it anyway. Whatever her answer may be, I have promised to respect and abide by her decision, and so I shall. It is the least I can do, anyway. And I hope it is the right thing.
I’ll wait. Patience comes hard to me, but if it doesn’t now, it never will. So far, so good.
Perhaps I am getting overwhelmed by the educational value of this whole experience. I cannot recall another period in my life in which I learnt so much in so little time. The nature of my feelings has also changed. Perhaps this is a sign of growing up.
About time. Really, about high time I REALLY grow up some. But going through it is definitely not the most pleasant thing I can think of doing at any given point in time…
February 2nd, 2007 at 7:57 am
Reading this, a lot of “comment-worthy” things to say popped into my head, but I believe I’ll talk to you about them over MSN instead. Comments aren’t the best way to have semi-personal conversation.
So I guess this comment’s here to let you know I read this, and wish to discuss with you? Peace, man.
February 3rd, 2007 at 10:08 pm
Sure thing. Sorry I’m seldom at the computer for a bit. Social gatherings and work are holding me up, but I certainly look forward to talking this through with you! See you sometime soon. ^^
February 4th, 2007 at 10:15 am
Hey how have you been doing? About this post well, part of growing up means reflecting and learning from your mistakes. However you do not necessarily have to laugh at it. I for one cannot really laugh at my past. Haiz. However growing up is also something like a RPG game. You need experience. Sad to say richful meaning experiences be it good or bad are hard to come by but will come by once in awhile. Another important expect of growing up, i feel, is the ability to shoulder more and more responsibilites without running away from them as well as fulfilling your responsibilities properly. Take it in stride and one step at a time and you will be fine. (Your current step is your JC and A levels and your next step is NS.) I dont have a lot of time on my hands so take care and drop me a ring at night once in awhile ^^ cya!