“man you’re so uncool”
Yeah. Someone said that to me moments ago.
Not that he is far off the mark. Yeah I am uncool. Everything I have aspired to be is uncool. Almost, anyway. I am about uncool as one gets without pretending to be or acting uncool.
What do I spend my time nowadays? Playing Japanese games of a questionable nature. Listening to sad songs. Drinking green tea. Sitting back in my rather comfortable chair and stone. Slaving away in front of a monitor screen. Yes, I am the epitome of uncoolness.
Maybe if I were younger, I might have gotten somewhat anxious about this. Maybe if it was another day I would have thought so. Maybe if it wasn’t raining I would have thought so. But I am as old as I am, and it is now today and it is now raining. So I can’t change the fact that right here right now I can’t be bothered.
Compared to my hectic life a few short weeks ago, what’s happening now is a vast improvement in many ways. Still, it is far from the peace that I have aspired to. Of course - life from now on is only going to get less peaceful, not more.
As I am losing my grip on my former perception and experience of the world, I am also losing some other things that I have come to treasure. And gaining some back. Slowly and inevitably it seems to me that I am losing a treasured friend, and I won’t and can’t deny that it is at least partly, if not almost all, my very own fault. At the same time I seem to have recovered another friend. I am thankful for the latter, but as to the former I guess I have been numbed to the process somewhat. Maybe only when it is completed, as in an operation with anaesthetic, will I feel the pain. But I guess by then what’s done is done and nothing can change it. Perhaps it is just as well. I am tired of thinking about it anyway.
It’s still fairly early, but I think I’ll just go to bed. I don’t want to think about this anymore. And yes - I am uncool. Have no doubt about it.
Good night, if you’re in the same timezone as I am and reading this as soon as I finish writing it.