私の生きた証拠

Ok I am in some degree of trouble, as least IMO.

 Firstly, my entire music system broke down with my shift of folder. Now everything’s gone to hell, my new song tags aren’t working, so on so forth.

Next, I am overdosing on coffee. As a result I honestly don’t feel very well, as in the physical sense.

Thirdly, I am now staring at something (considered to be a ’speech’, or at least it WAS) that is gradually beginning to lose whatever little sense it had in the first place,

And I havent done anything for the Ambassors’ series thingum (forgot to submit questions, or attend meeting since I missed the email), and I am now booted off the list. Not that I really mind, just that I feel bad for Mr. Yuen, who recommended me in the first place… I’d better remember to apologize to him about this.

CHINESE CT IS JUST ROUND THE CORNER. PERFECT.

I know i ASKED, even BEGGED for all the shit to happen, but please don’t rub it in- I assure I’m doing it myself pretty hard already.

And now I’m wasting time blogging.

How perfectly dysfunctional of me.

Anyway, I really must finish that speech by tonight. or else it’ll be too late.

Ok that’s it for today. more crap will be served sometime soon.

Well, it HAS been some time. Life’s neither good nor bad at the moment, but I guess it is sort of getting better despite the looming CTs.

As usual, I have been getting affected by songs a lot. Today, for no apparent reason, in the middle of Warsong Gulch, 「闇を越えて」 was playing, and I more or less found myself unable to continue. I afked out and went to bed for a bit. I was surprised myself. In the past, not so long ago actually, 「闇を越えて」 had a very powerful effect on me. Whenever I listened to it too closely, I would almost always end up crying. it hasn’t happened for sometime, but the effect’s reappearance took me by surprise.

My current two temporary favorites are for unknown reasons, Nakahara Meiko’s (i didn’t bother to check out the Japanese writing for her name) ‘Dance in the Memories’, which is the 3rd ED for the Kimagure Orange Road series, and 「あなたがいた森」 by 樹海, which is the ED of Fate Stay Night. Somehow or other I love the section of 「あなたがいた森」 that runs after the vocal has ended. It’s pretty addictive, honestly. I’m still listening to ‘innocence’ by 橋本みゆき, but not as much now.

Oh I have also been playing the Soul Link game. Got the ending I wanted (Sayaka!!!), and playing the so-called ‘bonus section’ with that stupid Nanami, who in the game speaks in a frightful manner. For goodness’ sake, if my kid spoke that way I’d have her muted. Really… But I guess little girls in H-games speak that way. For crying out loud, she tries to force herself on YOU (the player, or the persona you’re playing, whichever you prefer) in the game. WTF. The other girls are all at least 16 or so, but a FRIGGING TEN YEAR OLD GIRL ASKING YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH HER IS PRETTY EXCESSIVE AND DISTURBING, isn’t it? Grrrr. I should play Da Capo. At least ALL THE GIRLS are 15 or 16 or so.

Getting disillusioned with WoW, since the stupidity of the players there have NEVER ceased to amaze me. World pvp is getting on my nerves, since FOR FUCK’S SAKE I DON”T HAVE THE TIME TO WASTE KICKING SOME COW’S SORRY ASS (I keep getting ganked by Tauren trying to show off their horns, udders and balls (or lack thereof)). It’s fucking lame. People about your level will go out of their way to kill you. On Detheroc they’ll look the other way or run away. SCREW BEING POLITICALLY CORRECT. AUSTRALIANS ARE MUCH MORE IDIOTIC GAMERS THAN AMERICANS EVER WERE, ARE, OR WILL BE. PERIOD. I KNOW its a a fucking PVP server but that DOESN’T give you the DIVINE RIGHT TO BE AN ASSHOLE.

Enough ranting.

I need to watch Black Lagoon and the new episode of Soul Link sometime after this. But I’ll be doing my work first.

GAH.

laters, all.

1. 「screaming」 Soul Link OP single (really - I am not freaking kidding)
2. 「秘密ドールズ」 Strawberry Panic ED (lol)

These two are the ones I sort of really want. The less important ones (but still nice) are the Haruhi OP and ED and the Strawberry Panic OP. NANA’s songs sound like noise to me, and School Rumble’s OP and ED are… nvm. They just suck.

Bleargh. 2 singles…. That would cost me a freaking bomb, wtf…

I finally configured a hotkey sequence for changing language inputs for this computer. Basically, control-shift-1 is switching to Japanese, control-shift 2 is switching back to English.

New songs on my mind lately. Currently listening to 3 of 橋本みゆき’s songs -

「screaming」 - Soul Link OP
「In the Sky」 - ED of Shuffle! (the game) and insert song in the anime
「innocence」 - ED of the Shuffle! anime

That might hint that I’m watching Shuffle! even though I am not playing the game…

And yes I’m watching Soul Link. My warlock heritage (in the form of Commander Yakumo of the Detheroc Alliance Arathi Basin Cavalry Divison, or in Japanese direct translation, デサーローク連合軍アラシー流域騎兵隊従属　八雲大佐) compels me to, plus the main girl (Sayaka, or　沙佳) is sort of cute…. xD

Oh yeah… I’m following like 6 anime series…

Fate Stay Night
Strawberry Panic
涼宮ハルヒの憂鬱
Soul Link
School Rumble
NANA

and MAYBE Disgaea (even though it sort of puts me off… sighz)

Never mind… as long as at least 1 girl is sort of cute per anime its not too bad…

Went to Kino today with Changxing. Bought myself 3 exercise books (dotz) and I swear I’ll sort of do them. I did some questions on the train; fortunately I didn’t pwn myself. Seems like I CAN study in an emergency, sort of.

Must try to get over 300 points for the upcoming level 2 [mock] test this saturday!!! Maybe I’ll request a transfer to the level 1 class, lol. So far I’m not too challenged in the level 2 class. And i want to save some valuable time…… So sianz, taking level 2 at sec 4 sucks. Bleargh. Should have started level 2 last or something.

Realized that my foundations are really poor. Been asking Changxing a lot of stupid questions, but that can’t be helped. All I can say is that his foundations seem to extraordinary good, considering that he attended a prep course and sort of learnt his Japanese all over the place. But when challenged on very fundamental things like particles he can explain them pretty well. Tell me, if I asked you to explain [in whatever language] the functions of ENGLISH particles like ‘at’ and ‘to’, are you able to? Honestly, I can’t. Lol.

Bleargh. I am like so screwed for all my subjects. Math is gone case. Geography still got hope provided I don’t flunk Greenwave. Honestly, I don’t know what sort of lame wildlife we can find in ‘overlooked’ places. I’d have to give that some though, but frankly so far I don’t have a bloody clue. Chinese can also sort of go to hell. >.< Well SS won’t be too bad, considering I sort of know all that shit about globalization even before Mr. Yuen taught them in class… I hope I don’t suddenly get a mental block during the super-important open-book test next week. I’d better prepare a list of books to bring along…

Otherwise… I am reading the translated version of 彼氏彼女の事情. Just finished like volume 14. Been reading whenever I’m free. But I fell asleep over it more than once now. Apparently, my lack of energy doesn’t even permit me to stay awake over a very nice comic book. It’s very disturbing.

I still need to think about a lot of long-term stuff, like RMUN and a little writing project I’m planning to embark on. But at the moment, I’ll settle for surviving school from day to day and passing my saturday test well.

Guess I’ll go bathe now… and fall asleep over my assessment books. Sigh…

Well.

I don’t know what’s come over me lately.

I just can’t seem to get ANY work done.

I’m sleeping a lot, I swear. But I feel more tired than ever. Even though I’m not exactly falling asleep in class, I’m having massive trouble concentrating on work.

I have no fricking idea what’s come over me. I guess its probably a sleep disorder or pre-emptive signs that i’m going to die a slow and painful death.

Well I figure that since I’m so screwed up already anyways, a little more doesn’t hurt.

At most I’ll fall asleep and won’t wake till someone flies me to Japan to see the tower… (spot the reference… IF YOU CAN. MUAHAHAHA)

Whatever.

For some reason, I feel like watching a comedy of some sort.

But really, I don’t have many of those. I’m too into serious stuff like Seikai, I should think.

WTF.

Guess what song’s playing now?

Anyway its 闇を越えて (Cross[ing] Darkness).

Dotz….

Speaking of darkness, lol.

For some unknown bloody reason, I feel damn lonely now.

Not that anyone cares.

世界中私として一番浪漫的な言葉：

「そなたが死んだら、私が悲しむ。それでは不足か？」

ー　ラフィール　（ジントへ）

星界の戦旗から

私は最近ずっと考えている。
考えてることはいろいろがあって、何とか乱れてる。

昔の時、私は優しくて、優等生であろうと思っていた。でも、今は、私はそう思わない。実は、他の人に比べて、私は何でもできないみたい。科学にかけては、ロナールドさん、リチエンさん、ジュアンハさん達は皆私よりすごく上手だ。日本語にかけては、もちろんチャンシンさんは一番すごいんです。普通な成績、クラスメートは半分以上私が倒させる。

疲れてる。正直に、私は今人生方向がありません。生きる為分からないし、時々何の為にやることをやってるも知らぬ。時が追い越されて行く私はただこのごろに彷徨ってる。一人で歩いて振り向く淋しさは誰かが理解できる？

人生は苦しいと言う訳じゃないであり、だけど、このままきっと満足できない。でも、昔の幸せであった日々はもう戻れなくなってしまった。

とにかく、私は何をしても、最後にきっと敗者に成るという事です。元気出すべきことが知ってるけど、そんなことはできない。

また、泣きたいんだ…

Yes I’m still awake.

And trying to do my ERP.

While listening to the Seikai soundtracks.

Quite a fruitless attempt, but I could say that I’m sort of enjoying myself.

But it really feels quite lonely.

I guess I’ve been feeling that acutely since I finished Kimagure.

Or maybe, ever since God knows when…

Much of the Seikai music resonate with me. To date it is my favorite OST. I may prefer songs from other series, but nothing matches the soundtrack of Seikai. Not even Kajiura Yuki ones. Mai-Otome is nice, but it doesn’t even come close.

The soundtrack’s predominantly strings-based music, and that gives it a distinctly tragic quality. I’ve always had a weakness for strings. Nothing beats a string instrument at expression of pathos. As you probably know, I’m a darker sort of person. Music with a tragic, sad, lonely or reflective mood often suit my tastes. Seikai happens to fit in nicely.

I wonder what it is like to be an Abh. They call themselves ‘kin of the stars’. It is the truth. I always feel that to be an Abh is to be lonely. Bearing the guilt of long-gone ancestors, the burden of maintaining a vast empire, and to be the subject of hate and envy - that isn’t enviable in the least.

The love story set in Seikai is, if not the best, then surely the top 3 out of all those I’ve read or came into contact with in whatever media. What strikes me? It’s the tragedy. Romeo and Juliet might be a common idea of a tragedy, but guess what? It ends. And fast.

The dead can’t feel. But the living do. Just as mourning the dead is not a duty to them, but that of to the living, a love story that doesn’t end is much more touching. More so if there is not going to be a happy ending. As was clearly stated, Jinto has half the lifespan of Lafiel. After serving their Star Forces obligations, Jinto doesn’t have all that much time left. What if Lafiel was to serve as Empress? They can’t really be together, at least not for long before Jinto dies. The most tragic way to live is to be left alone after the death of your dearest one. Hence, the second half of Lafiel’s life can never be a happy one.

I don’t know why I’m thinking so much about this subject when I should be doing my work. But seriously I don’t give a ratfuck about what political system suits Rwanda or how the fuck Lee Kuan Yew grappled with issues he faced as prime minister. I don’t give a damn as to why R cos (x+a) = whatevershit. I just don’t care.

I’m being consumed by the greatest creations of people. Art, be it music, literature, music, film - they have a profound impact on me. So much so that I’m getting consumed in what I perceive to be some of Man’s greatest creations - a love story.

Yes, I loved Kimagure Orange Road. But ultimately, Seikai will have a special, immovable place in my heart. I can’t say I really identify with it, but somehow, to me, that semi-requited, pure, and perhaps doomed love is the most beautiful of all.

I originally intended to make this post in Japanese, but I decided that it was too difficult to express myself well just yet.

Well, developments. Went for two competitions recently - one on Friday and one of Saturday. Needless to say, I’m honestly exhausted, coupled with my decision to finish Kimagure Orange Road last night (which had a profound impact on me), I’m really not in any mood to do work.

Got first individual (albeit in a three-way tie) for the St Margaret’s Humanities Challenge prelims, and won the team finals with a score of 95-69. I was scared to death when SJI was in the lead by 10 points after the buzzer round, but somehow things worked out.

This is testament to the tenacity and intellect of Rafflesians. Or maybe, more specifically, those of our GEPpers.

Got pwnzed at the second comeptition at NUS, 1 NUS (not high) team, 2 RJC teams and 1 VJC teams made it into finals.

It wasn’t a competition just for secondary school kids so i guess getting owned is something to be expected.

Had a great time for the past two days, but they were horrifically exhausting. Still, I forced (not really necessary, but I was pretty tired) myself to watch Kimagure Orange Road.

I’ll try to avoid giving spoilers.

The anime series ending was inconclusive, but the final scene was the best in the entire series. It was something I had waited for the whole of 48 episodes (many unbearable because of Hikaru’s antics and Kyousuke’s idiocies). The plot for the last two episodes was predictable (I saw right through it at the beginning of episdoe 47), but, it doesn’t matter. The point is that it was one of the best endings ever. It sort of rounds up quite well, but inconclusive because Kyousuke hasn’t made his choice yet.

That came in the first movie. I think you’d have to be retarded to think he ends up with Hikaru, so I’ll tell you - he chose Madoka! (though I saw it coming, I couldn’t help but feel very warm and comforted)

The second movie’s the best. The art style may have changed, but Madoka’s character and voice didn’t. That was good enough for me. The plot was sort of lame, but what was great was the side-plots and events…… Well, anyway, I was just so envious of them both.

I got to thinking, perhaps too much, that I couldn’t sleep much last night. Similarly, I couldn’t do much before heading off for Japanese class because my mind was paralysed from thinking constantly about it.

What was the predominant emotion I felt? The title tells it all.

Sometimes, I regret watching anime series (and movies) because once they end, I’ll feel a hollowness that can never be filled.

Kimagure Orange Road certainly qualifies. Like some before it, notably Crest of the Stars (all 3 series + 1 OVA), I sometimes wished I had never watched them.

Some effects? Now I can’t bear to watch Shuffle. Nothing can ever beat Kare Kano and Kimagure in the love genre. Now all those other anime in the genre (unless they are as outstanding or even more so than Kimagure) I’m likely to watch only with one eye open.

Humans are pathetic creatures. Once they taste the best, anything less simply would not suffice. It is the same for me. The better the anime I watch, the fewer I can tolerate.

Well, I don’t know what else to say. Or rather, how to say them.

Doubt people would understand me anyway.

なんとか、淋しい…